i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
