you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
