But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
