Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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