yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
