i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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