Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
