does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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