what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
