Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
