Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
