What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
