if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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