I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
