I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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