just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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