the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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