my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
