Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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