I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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