Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
