STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
