My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Two words: nipple clamps
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