When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
