If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
