My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
