My cat gives me a boner
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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