evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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