Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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