I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
