It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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