she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
