next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you will always have a special place in my vag
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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