Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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