Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
