I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
