We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
