when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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