why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
