Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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