I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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