Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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