I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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