How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drunk is a universal language darling
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
