my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
