I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
