She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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