he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
