Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
