The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this will be a night to untag.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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