I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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