do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
