TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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