Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
