She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
