You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
