I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
