we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
