I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize