Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
