dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
