Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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