I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
