dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
