He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
