I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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