But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
