I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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