There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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